I Tink I Saw an Overdose

According to her buffoon husband, Simon Monjack, Hollywood killed Brittany Murphy when she wasn’t asked to reprise her role in Happy Feet. So now Monjack is filing a wrongful death suit against...um…Warner Brothers. That's right, Warner Brothers. Like him against the entire Bugs Bunny/Roadrunner Show cast of characters – and then some. In an interview with The Daily Beast Sherlock Bloat says:

“They killed her."

Although the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office hasn’t released a final cause of death, Monjack and Brittany’s mother, Sharon, are convinced that the once-promising star died of a heart attack resulting from the stress associated with Warner Brothers canceling her contract just two weeks before she died. Murphy was excited to have begun production on the sequel to the animated hit Happy Feet, but when she was fired by Warner Brothers, Monjack says, “She was devastated.”

Well, finally some answers! It's been keeping me up at night for weeks wondering how in the world a healthy 32 year-old Hollywood actress could just keel over from cardiac arrest. (NOTE: Usually it’s because of drugs.) And now, thanks to her bloated husband who seems to sport upper lip sweat even during the winter, this mystery has finally been solved. (NOTE: It was totally drugs.) Happy Feet would have totally gotten away with it if it wasn't for her grieving husband’s bravery in coming forward. (And the DRUGS.)

I’m relieved because I now know that respectable news sources and official coroner reports can be SO cruel and full of lies. (Brittany Murphy died because she took too many DRUGS.) Like when they said Brittany Murphy was found dead she was surrounded by a Giza-pyramid of prescription bottles. (Which many of you may recognize as typically containing DRUGS.) Yeah right!

“Hogwash,” I say, to the fact that every time you saw her on the red carpet or during any interview her pupils were the size of dinner saucers. (On account of she was probably on DRUGS.) “Bah,” I say to the fact that it actually came out of her own mouth that Brittany Murphy just really, really liked penguins. (DRUGS.)

Ambz the Ripper