Dear Straight Women: Stop Kissing Each Other

The growing epidemic of straight women kissing each other is getting more annoying every day. Sadly, during the MTV Movie awards last night, which I didn’t watch because it’s three hours of complete suck, Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansen entered the ranks of attention seeking straight women. Sandy had a huge shock with the Jesse James white supremacist cheating thing, so I’ve decided to give her a free pass. Johansen gets a free pass too, because, boobs. But they did inspire me to write an open letter to straight women about this out of control epidemic.

Dear Straight Women,

I get it - you are hot; your friend is hot; you’re so sexually open! It’s so great when guys pay attention to you for doing it! Oooo you are so liberal and yet so not wearing Birkenstocks and would never actually go ‘down there,” but still so liberal and hot!

I wish that all lesbians were as hot as you and not plaid-wearing motorcycle mamas who hate men and use Natty Light as lube. IF ONLY REAL LESBIANS WERE AS HOT AS YOU! I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND, YES, WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK AND SAD BECAUSE NO GUYS LIKE YOU I WILL BE THERE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY. Xtina Aguilera style.

However, maybe you don’t have to kiss each other to prove some crazy point about how hot you are. Maybe you can just try being yourself to get attention and not try to get boys to look at you by exploiting and trivializing my sexual orientation.

Xoxo,
Natasia

Natasia Langfelder

Cut His *Bleep* Off!

I think it’s good that he has an outlaw name, because Jesse James must be some kind of criminal dickhead to cheat on a woman like Sandra Bullock. Jesse, have you taken a look at your wife lately? You mean to tell me you find some overly-tattooed on-line bimbo sexier and kinder than that gorgeous sweetheart with whom you are lucky to even share the air, never mind be married to? Oh my, how do you cheat on a woman like Sandra Bullock?

I want a show of hands from all the lesbians out there: If Sandra Bullock had committed her life to you and your kids, loving them as if they were her own, would you go out and cheat on her? Or would you be hopelessly in love with the woman until the end of time? If she switched teams and wanted YOU, would you not rent the very last U-HAUL of your life to move her in forever, till death do-eth you part?

Jesse, my boy, the lady is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S, inside and out. You, my friend, are a schmuck.

There have been many reactions publicized in the news lately about Jesse’s “alleged” affairs, but my favorite by far is from Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta who writes:

“… castrate him.

While Sandra has not publicly said how she will react to her husband's cheating scandal, Kim said that she thinks Sandra should castrate Jesse.

"She should cut his whole package off. Light it like a fire cracker and blow it off," RadarOnline.com quoted Kim as saying on Friday as she arrived at Los Angeles International Airport.

Kim, who recently admitted she's bisexual and is involved with DJ Tracy Young, doesn't know Bullock, but that does not stop her from extending support to the The Blind Side star.

"She's an angel I don't know her personally but it sucks. It's heartbreaking,” said Kim.

"Cut his (bleep) off. She should cut his (bleeps) off and his (bleep).And she should blow it up," she added.”

You go, Kim, cut his (BLEEP) off, and yes, firecracker the WHOLE effing package.

I love you, Sandra, and I’m here for you if you want to start over again, UHAUL at the ready!

For more on Kim's story read here.

Cindy Zelman