Step One: Coming Out...

I have to come out. It’s time, really. I mean it’s not like everyone can’t already tell by looking at my photo anyway, right? So I’ll just say it and rid myself of the burden that comes with holding a secret for so long…here goes:

I’m…I’m a smoker.

Yes, that’s right. I've been smoking since I was 17 years old. I guess back then it seemed like a brilliant idea – all the cool kids were doin’ it and all that. I started even though I knew nothing good comes of smoking. Ever. Seriously, when is the last time someone told you all the wonderful, positive ways that smoking has impacted their life? The countless dollars up in smoke, the wintery nights spend huddled outside a bar in the freezing cold just to get a fix, the destructive health implications. All bad stuff with no up side.

So recently I decided to quit. It would be easier said than done, I knew, so I didn’t attempt the dare-devil cold turkey method. Instead, I jumped on the electronic cigarette bandwagon about three weeks ago, and, hell, it’s been fantastic!

The great part about electronic cigarettes is that I can smoke WHEREVER I want to, still getting both my nicotine and physical addictions taken care of, while avoiding all the other nasty crap that traditional cigarette smokers like to pretend isn’t in their cigarettes.

You want to give me a hard time and tell me I’ve really not “quit”? I dare you to! You give me a hard time and I’ll give you a schoolin' on the benefits of electronic cigarettes.

That’s not to say there aren’t challenges with these ash-less gadgets. It’s definitely taking some time to get used to the heavier feel of the cigarette. And there’s also the super-human effort involved to get a decent fix. Sometimes I feel like I’m sucking on the thing so hard I might pass out with the next pull. I guess somehow I'm hoping that If I draw in deeply enough, the next drag will contain all of the junk in conventional smokes that serves to calm my nerves and keeps me from not losing it on every person who walks into the room.

To the average passerby, I probably look like a crazed lunatic sucking away on these butt-less technological wonders, but lemme tell ya, quttin' is a bitch, and anything that helps me be less of one is worth its weight in smokeless vapor!

J. Allison

Nike - Just (Don't) Do It...

While Accenture, Gillette, and Gatorade, among others, saw fit to sever ties with golf icon Tiger Woods after his numerous “transgressions” were revealed late last year, Nike laced up their athletic shoes and decided to stick with the club-wielding playboy. Yesterday, on the eve of the revered Masters golf tournament, Nike unveiled their latest Tiger-themed ad, which features a somber and puffy-faced Woods staring silently into the camera as a voice-over from his late father, Earl, speaks:

“Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was; I want to find out what your feelings are; and did you learn anything?”

Presumably, the elder Woods originally proffered those words in reaction to a poor tee shot or missed putt by the young Tiger, but Nike now applies them in the context of Tiger’s marital infidelity in this 30-second, black and white come-back commercial.

Now, I wasn’t one to get all stirred up about Tiger cheating on his wife. Is anyone REALLY surprised anymore when a sports star, actor, or major politician is revealed as a womanizer? Puhlease! These guys face temptation that most of us can only imagine (and fantasize about)! It stands to reason that they’ll take a tumble off the pedestal every now and again. The only thing that baffles me about these guys is why they decide to get married in the first place?! If the world is your oyster, you don’t settle down at Red Lobster for the rest of your life, even if you do really, really love the cheese biscuits.

That said, I find the Nike ad revolting. Tiger’s willingness to allow the voice of his beloved deceased father to be used for such a purpose is, to put it bluntly, disgusting to me. I find THIS to be an even greater indictment of his character than him having bedded dozens of women while married with children. Talk about the ultimate sell-out!

I suppose the one saving grace in the ad is that Nike had the good sense not to close with their tag line – Just Do It. I guess even they realize that Tiger’s already “Done It” enough.



Candy Parker

Dance as if EVERYONE is Watching...Please

Folks, let's talk about dancing for minute here. If you're out dancing at the club on a Saturday night, might I offer the following suggestions…

First, if your best dance move involves simply gyrating wildly with your hands clenched above your head, you should probably just sit down.

Second, if your idea of dancing is to maniacally hop up and down to Lady Gaga as if on some imaginary pogo stick, you might take your game up a notch or two by considering a visit to the bar. Seriously – shots are on me.

Finally, please try to avoid giving the appearance that you are channeling a Whirling Dervish. The tie-dyed sleeveless shirt with your flannel wrapped around your waist isn’t helping either. Please...just…just stop. Your dance-floor inspired tornado impersonation has the rest of us on the verge of becoming Hurling Dervishes.

Forget what they say about “Dance as if no one is watching.” I am and I’m taking notes.

Please consider this a public service announcement - I'm not trying to be rude; I’m just trying to improve our image. Seriously ladies, friends don't let friends dance horribly.

J. Allison

Erykah Exposed - More than Dallas Can Handle

In the news today: A serious crime was committed in Dallas, the worst criminal act since the shooting of JFK. The sexy, sultry, and soulful singer, Erykah Badu, was fined $500 for walking through the streets of Dallas and stripping nude for her new video “Window Seat.” Toward the end of the video and near the site of the JFK shooting, Erykah is “pretend” shot and falls to the ground. It’s apparent that the Dallas Police didn’t watch the video to understand her message about violence and victimizing those who are different. All they could “see” was her nudity as equivalent to a flasher looking to molest a child in a park. A quote from Sergeant Warren Mitchell states, “She disrobed in a public place without regard to individuals and small children who were close by."

Geez, what might happen if small children saw a beautiful woman naked for a few moments? Of course, they would be traumatized for life, in need of psychotherapy, Thorazine and electroshock treatment to get the heinous image out of their impressionable heads. And what about those adult “individuals” who were “exposed” to the beautiful art of this woman’s body? They will never be the same. Yes, it was obscene and disgusting and no doubt emotionally scarring that Badu FORCED their heads to turn and FORCED them to gaze at THAT level of sexiness walking the streets of Dallas. Dallas never gets that sexy; no wonder people were traumatized!

Badu was making a video and one with a message. She wasn’t flashing children in the park and she wasn’t mocking JFK. Watch the video until the VERY end and you shall see.

I think each person who saw her naked should pay HER $500 bucks for the privilege of seeing such beauty in the raw. I’ve got $500 bucks squirreled away for when Ms. Badu decides to shoot a naked video in Boston. Erykah, if you come to Boston, you can stay at my house, okay? You can walk up and down my street naked all day long as far as I’m concerned, and at night, no pajamas necessary.

To see read the full story and see Erykah’s video in which all the “good parts” of her body have been blurred out, (but still, it’s worth watching) click here.

Cindy Zelman

More GAY News

GAY was making the rounds this week on the lesbian internet radio/podcast circuit.  Just a couple of days after her appearance on TheDickVans.com, Editor-in-Chief Candy Parker was bantering with Denise & Donna, the dynamic duo who host The Lesbian Lounge show on MyLesbianRadio.com.

GAY appreciates the support received from these wonderful women and many more as we spread the word about our brand-spankin'-new humor/comedy e-magazine.  Wer're looking forward to featuring interviews with Denise & Donna and several other internet radio/podcast hosts in the June 1st issue of GAY e-magazine.

The Lesbian Lounge shows are available at iTunes - just search for MyLesbianRadio.com in the podcast library and subscribe today!

GAY e-magazine news

One of the great things about creating GAY e-magazine has been that it has afforded me the opportunity to meet a lot of great lesbian women.  Among those is comedian Maggie Faris who, along with her friends and co-hosts Barb and Kate, who just launched a new humor/comedy podcast at www.thedickvans.com.

Maggie was kind enough to pre-record an interview with me a couple of weeks ago, allowing me to promote GAY and our upcoming features.  We'll likely be promoting every new issue on their show, as well, so it's a fantastic partnership moving forward.

Please check out www.thedickvans.com and give them your support!  The podcast is also available at iTunes - just search for The DickVans.

Candy Parker

My Best Friend's Radioactive Birthday Party

Today is my best friend’s 51st birthday…it’s also her first day being radioactive.

I’ve known Jayne for 28 years. She was my boss at my first “real” job when I was hired as a Junior File Clerk. I was 20 and she was 23. We shared an office in a non-descript office building, both toiling away in support of a bunch of environmental scientists and engineers working on large USEPA contracts.

I learned the ropes of working in an office from her – how to operate a copier, what a “charge number” was, where to get supplies, how to use a typewriter, how to create a spreadsheet (back then using Lotus 123), how to complete a timesheet, and important office protocol – like how it was improper to slam the phone down in your office, even if your boyfriend had just really, really pissed you off or how it was considered bad form to call in sick after you’d been out ‘til all hours at a happy hour the night before with co-workers. Who knew, right?

In the five years I stayed with the company, Jayne and I became close friends. I moved on to more responsible tasks from my springboard grunt position, inheriting new supervisors along the way, thereby avoiding any appearance of impropriety in regard to boss/employee relations.

Over the years, I’ve been there as Jayne’s father passed away suddenly one evening of a heart attack, her mother lost a battle with cancer, and her childhood best friend died in a car accident one day while simply going to lunch with a co-worker.

Meanwhile, she was my maid of honor when I married 25 years ago, was my first visitor to the hospital when my son was born, and was one of the most supportive people in my life when I decided at age 34 to stop living a lie and come out as a lesbian.

I’ll never forget our phone conversation the day I told her. She’d known something was up; I’d alluded to the fact that I needed to tell her something BIG, but hadn’t had the nerve to blurt it out. But that day, I was resolved. I had to tell her as I knew I’d need her in my corner when I told my unsuspecting husband, John, that I was about to shake up his world.

She pushed me to “Just SAY it!” I told her it was really bad. She said, “You’re leaving John?” and I breathed a sigh of relief, the first hurdle cleared.

“Yes, I am. But it’s the reason why that’s bad.”

Jayne’s response was perfect, and indicative of why we’ve remained friends for so long, as humor has seen us through every possible hand in the full deck of life experience cards.

“The only thing that could be so bad that you can’t tell me is if you’re leaving him for Larry.” Larry was Jayne’s husband of 14 years. They were – and remain – the happiest married couple I know.

That thought made me laugh and put me at ease enough to share the truth with her and was a vivid reminder that, hey, there were worse things than coming out to your best friend. I told her I was gay, had been with a girl from the time I was 17 years old until I was 20, but then had gone on to “do the right thing” after she and I had split. (Note to young lesbians everywhere – don’t let your first girlfriend be a member of a devoutly Catholic family wherein the mother works for the CIA and the father is a Marine. Got that? Make a note.)

Our friendship never missed a beat and remains ironclad to this day, which is why, despite the fact that she's already radioactive, I’ll be visiting her this evening on her 51st birthday as she prepares to undergo radiation treatment for cancer tomorrow. She’s been doing all the prep work the last couple of days, getting injections and ingesting pills she’s not permitted to touch without HAZMAT gloves, but which she’s expected to swallow. She called a short while ago to confirm for tonight as we’d left it open, depending on how she was feeling.

“I feel fine, so it’s up to you. As long as you don’t mind being around me when I’m radioactive, that is,” she invited. She explained that she’d not receive the “big dose” until tomorrow, but the doctor cautioned her to avoid physical contact with others after downing the little beads of poison earlier today. All would be fine as long as she kept her distance.

“Sure, I’ll just wrap myself in tin foil and be over later then,” I responded, “As long as you’re not gonna mess up the TV signal. American Idol’s on tonight, ya know.”

Jayne laughed. A laugh I knew I’d get, as even cancer radiation treatment is fair game between friends. Best friends. True friends.

Happy Birthday, Jayne! I love ya!  I'll be there to laugh with you for a couple of hours very soon...

Candy Parker