Wednesday, March 31, 2010

GAY e-magazine news

One of the great things about creating GAY e-magazine has been that it has afforded me the opportunity to meet a lot of great lesbian women.  Among those is comedian Maggie Faris who, along with her friends and co-hosts Barb and Kate, who just launched a new humor/comedy podcast at

Maggie was kind enough to pre-record an interview with me a couple of weeks ago, allowing me to promote GAY and our upcoming features.  We'll likely be promoting every new issue on their show, as well, so it's a fantastic partnership moving forward.

Please check out and give them your support!  The podcast is also available at iTunes - just search for The DickVans.

Candy Parker

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My Best Friend's Radioactive Birthday Party

Today is my best friend’s 51st birthday…it’s also her first day being radioactive.

I’ve known Jayne for 28 years. She was my boss at my first “real” job when I was hired as a Junior File Clerk. I was 20 and she was 23. We shared an office in a non-descript office building, both toiling away in support of a bunch of environmental scientists and engineers working on large USEPA contracts.

I learned the ropes of working in an office from her – how to operate a copier, what a “charge number” was, where to get supplies, how to use a typewriter, how to create a spreadsheet (back then using Lotus 123), how to complete a timesheet, and important office protocol – like how it was improper to slam the phone down in your office, even if your boyfriend had just really, really pissed you off or how it was considered bad form to call in sick after you’d been out ‘til all hours at a happy hour the night before with co-workers. Who knew, right?

In the five years I stayed with the company, Jayne and I became close friends. I moved on to more responsible tasks from my springboard grunt position, inheriting new supervisors along the way, thereby avoiding any appearance of impropriety in regard to boss/employee relations.

Over the years, I’ve been there as Jayne’s father passed away suddenly one evening of a heart attack, her mother lost a battle with cancer, and her childhood best friend died in a car accident one day while simply going to lunch with a co-worker.

Meanwhile, she was my maid of honor when I married 25 years ago, was my first visitor to the hospital when my son was born, and was one of the most supportive people in my life when I decided at age 34 to stop living a lie and come out as a lesbian.

I’ll never forget our phone conversation the day I told her. She’d known something was up; I’d alluded to the fact that I needed to tell her something BIG, but hadn’t had the nerve to blurt it out. But that day, I was resolved. I had to tell her as I knew I’d need her in my corner when I told my unsuspecting husband, John, that I was about to shake up his world.

She pushed me to “Just SAY it!” I told her it was really bad. She said, “You’re leaving John?” and I breathed a sigh of relief, the first hurdle cleared.

“Yes, I am. But it’s the reason why that’s bad.”

Jayne’s response was perfect, and indicative of why we’ve remained friends for so long, as humor has seen us through every possible hand in the full deck of life experience cards.

“The only thing that could be so bad that you can’t tell me is if you’re leaving him for Larry.” Larry was Jayne’s husband of 14 years. They were – and remain – the happiest married couple I know.

That thought made me laugh and put me at ease enough to share the truth with her and was a vivid reminder that, hey, there were worse things than coming out to your best friend. I told her I was gay, had been with a girl from the time I was 17 years old until I was 20, but then had gone on to “do the right thing” after she and I had split. (Note to young lesbians everywhere – don’t let your first girlfriend be a member of a devoutly Catholic family wherein the mother works for the CIA and the father is a Marine. Got that? Make a note.)

Our friendship never missed a beat and remains ironclad to this day, which is why, despite the fact that she's already radioactive, I’ll be visiting her this evening on her 51st birthday as she prepares to undergo radiation treatment for cancer tomorrow. She’s been doing all the prep work the last couple of days, getting injections and ingesting pills she’s not permitted to touch without HAZMAT gloves, but which she’s expected to swallow. She called a short while ago to confirm for tonight as we’d left it open, depending on how she was feeling.

“I feel fine, so it’s up to you. As long as you don’t mind being around me when I’m radioactive, that is,” she invited. She explained that she’d not receive the “big dose” until tomorrow, but the doctor cautioned her to avoid physical contact with others after downing the little beads of poison earlier today. All would be fine as long as she kept her distance.

“Sure, I’ll just wrap myself in tin foil and be over later then,” I responded, “As long as you’re not gonna mess up the TV signal. American Idol’s on tonight, ya know.”

Jayne laughed. A laugh I knew I’d get, as even cancer radiation treatment is fair game between friends. Best friends. True friends.

Happy Birthday, Jayne! I love ya!  I'll be there to laugh with you for a couple of hours very soon...

Candy Parker

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Waiting is the Hardest Part...

I’m sitting here feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve. Or maybe a newly-pregnant daughter who can’t wait to tell her mom about the little one on the way. The latter is probably the better analogy for as the creator/Editor-in-Chief of GAY e-magazine I am, in a way, preparing to give birth on Thursday when we officially re-launch.

As of late yesterday, the April issue is finalized - all 57, full-color pages in their Adobe .pdf glory just waiting to be shared with the world. I couldn’t be more proud or more anxious. I’ve seen first-hand the exhilaration and enthusiasm of the talented women who have contributed their time and creativity to the project and I’m excited to be able to share each of their unique voices and artistic gifts with the world. Trust me, they’ll all be in the delivery room with me sucking on ice chips and doing breathing exercises to relax when our April 1st due date finally arrives.

Of course, just as the expectant mother’s anticipation is tempered with worries of improbable birth defects, my eagerness is balanced by the question, “What if you build an e-magazine and nobody reads it?” I do my best to assuage these doubts by making myself believe that “If you build it, they will come,” a conviction that ultimately resulted in a tear-inducing, happy ending in “A Field of Dreams.” But then the baseball reference just conjures thoughts of additional failure-related terms – strike out, error, passed ball.

As a former little league coach, I know that the only real failure, though, is in not trying your best, and so it is that I wait restlessly for my turn at the plate, at which time I’ll be swinging for the fences. I might not knock it out of the park, but I’ll keep working hard until I do. If nothing else, I owe it to the team.

I dedicate this blog entry and the April 1st issue to all the contributors to GAY e-magazine, the e-zine BY lesbians with a sense of humor and FOR everyone. Be sure to visit on Thursday, April 1st to “ooooh” and “aaaaah” over our newborn. They always come out a little bit wrinkled and splotchy, but they grow into the cutest darn things!

Candy Parker

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Cut His *Bleep* Off!

I think it’s good that he has an outlaw name, because Jesse James must be some kind of criminal dickhead to cheat on a woman like Sandra Bullock. Jesse, have you taken a look at your wife lately? You mean to tell me you find some overly-tattooed on-line bimbo sexier and kinder than that gorgeous sweetheart with whom you are lucky to even share the air, never mind be married to? Oh my, how do you cheat on a woman like Sandra Bullock?

I want a show of hands from all the lesbians out there: If Sandra Bullock had committed her life to you and your kids, loving them as if they were her own, would you go out and cheat on her? Or would you be hopelessly in love with the woman until the end of time? If she switched teams and wanted YOU, would you not rent the very last U-HAUL of your life to move her in forever, till death do-eth you part?

Jesse, my boy, the lady is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S, inside and out. You, my friend, are a schmuck.

There have been many reactions publicized in the news lately about Jesse’s “alleged” affairs, but my favorite by far is from Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta who writes:

“… castrate him.

While Sandra has not publicly said how she will react to her husband's cheating scandal, Kim said that she thinks Sandra should castrate Jesse.

"She should cut his whole package off. Light it like a fire cracker and blow it off," quoted Kim as saying on Friday as she arrived at Los Angeles International Airport.

Kim, who recently admitted she's bisexual and is involved with DJ Tracy Young, doesn't know Bullock, but that does not stop her from extending support to the The Blind Side star.

"She's an angel I don't know her personally but it sucks. It's heartbreaking,” said Kim.

"Cut his (bleep) off. She should cut his (bleeps) off and his (bleep).And she should blow it up," she added.”

You go, Kim, cut his (BLEEP) off, and yes, firecracker the WHOLE effing package.

I love you, Sandra, and I’m here for you if you want to start over again, UHAUL at the ready!

For more on Kim's story read here.

Cindy Zelman

Friday, March 26, 2010

Stuff Straight Women Like: Cracked Out Shoe Edition

This neon strappy sandal looks like the ones I bought at Rainbows on Kings Road in Brooklyn back when I was in high school. But there is already a waiting list for it at Jimmy Choo online and it is completely sold out in Manhattan. Why? Because straight women learned from Sex and the City that the more a shoe costs, the better it is and this baby is breaking all the records. At $2495.00, this bitch makes Christian Louboutin look like Payless.

What do you get for your money? A 5.1 inch heel, guaranteed to send you toppling to the floor after two drinks and an “eye-catching light up detail.” This detail is an LCD light in the platform that lasts for about 100 hours and no, you can’t replace the bulb once it goes out. So ladies, you officially have 100 hours to attract the man of your dreams in this Jimmy Choo proclaimed “dance shoe.” Because he won’t look at you if your shoes don’t light up…and then you will be ALONE FOREVER and you will buy CATS and there is nothing worse than that.

Don’t get me wrong. I love shoes. My type of shoe has a hidden platform, 4.25 heel and a peep toe, so I can either show off my pedicure or a really cute patterned knee sock that goes with, but doesn’t match any one of my array of micro mini-skirts. I can also spot a designer shoe from the other side of a subway platform, but I can’t get on board with the Zap. I just don’t understand it. The line has officially been crossed; I’m just too gay.

Natasia Langfelder

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Didn't Think the Guy Had It In Him...

With his career at a standstill, Sanjaya Malakar found a way to regain some momentum, reportedly clocking in at a whopping 110 mph on a Seattle-area interstate.  Malakar, formerly of "American Idol" fame and one of the biggest vote-getters ever on, was stopped by a Washington State Trooper ~ 2:30am on Tuesday.

While Malakar received a $411 speeding ticket, the fact that he was alone on the highway spared him a wreckless endangerment charge.

"The boy's lucky no one wants to get within 500 yards of him anymore," State Trooper Dan MacDonald was quoted as saying, "Or he could have found himself doing some time behind bars, and, well, we all know he wouldn't do very well in a place like that, don't we?"

For more on the story, visit MSNBC.

Candy Parker

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Little Timmy Tebow and the Tale of the NFL Wonderlich

So did you hear the one about the hot NFL prospect who requested a moment of prayer with his colleagues prior to taking a standardized test? Way to not be the coolest kid in the room, Tim Tebow.

Yes, the Florida Gator sensation who’s set to go in an early round of the NFL draft reportedly requested that his fellow prospects all take a moment to bow their heads in prayer before taking on the 50-question, 12-minute Wonderlich test during the NFL combine earlier this month.

The response he received made Joe Wilson (the Congressman of “You lie!!!” infamy) look like a choir boy.

Indeed, the “Shut the fuck up,” retort by another test-taker and ensuing laughter throughout the room put to an end any hopes that Timmy may have had for turning the exam room into a Sunday school classroom.

There have already been questions regarding Tebow’s long-term development as an NFL quarterback. He wasn’t a conventional college QB which means he might not transition well into an NFL offense AND he scored a contemptible 22 of 50 on the Wonderlich (that’s 44% for you kids who might not be too good at math). That’s an especially pathetic score for a quarterback, as they are typically some of the sharper tools in the shed, and it brings into question his ability to recognize and react quickly to complex NFL defensive schemes. This ultra-puritan character “flaw” and ability to play nicely with others may present yet another challenge for the impending rookie.

While Tim’s entitled to whatever religious beliefs and practices in which he chooses to indulge, the word “na├»ve” does come to mind. The boy will most definitely have issues in the locker room – and I hate to even think about the rookie pranks to which he’ll be subjected during Training Camp. Watch out for the Ben Gay in the jock strap, kid.

If Tebow does make his way to a starting position in the NFL, I’ll be watching closely to see if his team incurs an undue number of delay of game penalties – a logical consequence of huddle-held prayer circles.

I wish him the best, but if this lamb of God doesn’t tone down his religious rhetoric, he could find himself a sheep led to slaughter in the lion’s den of the NFL locker room.

For more on the story, click here.

Candy Parker

Brits Upstage Obama

In an obvious attempt to upstage U.S. President Barack Obama’s historic achievement in regard to healthcare coverage for all Americans, the British unveiled a new dignity-replenishing hospital gown.

“What good is medical insurance if my backside is hanging out?” queried one exasperated American after hearing news of the UK's new snap-up-the-side hospital gown.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown denied claims that the Brit’s momentous announcement was held for weeks in order to coincide with Obama’s signature of the healthcare overhaul legislation.

Sometimes these things just happen this way,” smirked Brown. “While Americans were tied up for months debating the minutia of insurance coverage, the British were focused on real healthcare reform.”

Candy Parker