Showtime - Trading "Real" for "Ratings"

Showtime has announced the cast of their new series “The Real L Word”. *yawn*

Maybe it’s just me, but I thought with the adjective “real” in the title, we might see a little diversity in the cast - diversity in skin tone, diversity in economic status, and perhaps even a little diversity in the types of lesbian women represented. But the cast photo and accompanying descriptions of the women make the original “The L Word” look like a session at the United Nations.

I know I should take comfort in the fact that Ilene Chaiken is involved in the project; after all, she’s a lesbian, too, right? But as with “The L Word” series, I can’t help but feel like this reality spin-off is again catering to some male lesbian fantasy where every woman is a size 4 femme-bot.

At risk of being exorcized from the Lesbian Nation, I’ll admit I wasn’t a fan of “The L Word”, much preferring the storylines and performances in “Queer As Folk”. I watched the first couple of episodes of Season 1 and just couldn’t get past the bad writing and, in some cases, worse acting. As the show moved into later seasons, I read about storylines involving vampires and just rolled my eyes, thankful I wasn’t wasting valuable DVR real estate on such drivel (and a wee bit sad that Leisha Hailey, who’d I seen perform live in the Murmurs in her pre-Alice days, was caught up in that mess). I’d occasionally tune in when I heard something new was in the works, like when Daniela Sea’s character, Moira, was introduced. Finally we were getting a butch character on the show – but wait. The butch chick wanted to be a man, hence our introduction to Max.

Well, hell, of course! All women who are more comfortable in Doc Martens and non-designer jeans secretly want to be men, right? To add insult to injury, Sea’s character was also presented as economically and culturally challenged. As my ex sometimes watched the show, I happened to see the episode where Moira/Max fumbled around like a fish out of water at a restaurant where multiple forks were included in the place setting. After that, I once again swore off the series. I may be the one in the relationship who opens doors and kills the bugs, but I know which fork to use, can select a decent wine, and typically don’t break into a cold sweat when the menu reveals entrée pricing in the $35-$50 range. (Ironically, my one claim to fame – an article in “Curve” - was published in the February 2007 issue for which Sea graced the cover, so we are forever linked in print.)

I think the last time my TV found its way to “The L Word” was back when Carmen was still spinning everyone’s turntables. While the writing and acting were still often horrific, I’d indulge in some Carmen-gawking while muting the volume to avoid any chance of reflexively slinging the remote at the screen in response to the inane banter. When Shane left her at the altar, however, any iota of interest I had in the show was erased. Who does that? Seriously – is anyone reading this going to say they’d leave that Hispanic hottie holding the bag on your wedding day?

But I digress.

The fact is neither “The L Word” nor the “reality” knock-off “The Real L Word” get anywhere near “real” when it comes to representing the full spectrum of lesbian culture. Perhaps that’d be too much for any show to take on, though with the inclusion of the word “real” in the show’s title, I feel the producers owe us a little less male fantasy and a little more lesbian legitimacy.

Showtime, might I suggest some alternate titles for your new series? Perhaps “The Play for the Ratings L Word,” “The Lipstick Lesbian L Word,” or even “The Tiny Slice of Real L Word” might go a ways toward truth in labeling – and you know how we lesbians love our labels.

Candy Parker

From Ice Cream to Aniston: My Addictions

Reading J. Allison’s blog entry yesterday about her attempt to quit smoking utilizing electronic cigarettes made me think of my own addictions. As a child I developed a chocolate ice cream addiction. I could eat buckets of the stuff. There was no electronic ice cream to help me overcome the grip it had over my soul. I ceased being a chocolate ice cream addict the night I binged like nobody’s business and later woke up, five years old, puking all over the lilac carpet in the hall. I didn’t give up chocolate ice cream forever or completely, but it was never, you know, quite the same, after I saw it laying there in piles at my feet. I know, yuck, TMI, move on, Cindy.

My next addiction was, like J.’s, cigarettes. I began smoking cigarettes in 1976 at age 14 and paid 45 cents a pack. I quit in 2002 at age 40 when cigarettes in Massachusetts were at $4.50 a pack. I hear now they are up to $6 or $7 and cost nearly what marijuana does, which I don’t smoke (long and traumatic story for another time.) I did the math a few years back, based on the average number of cigarettes I’d smoked over the course of my 26 year career as an addict. The results were startling. In my lifetime, I have smoked 287,450 cigarettes and spent between $50,000 and $60,000 to buy them. No shit. No lie. Truly, this is no exaggeration. I’ve done the math. I’m good at math.

I finally quit smoking using prescription drugs, a miracle beyond miracles and I hope all the smokers out there find their miracle.

I do currently have a coffee addiction but it pales in comparison to either chocolate ice cream or cigarettes or honestly, to Frito Lay products. I can eat Fritos Corn Chips or Cheetos without ever coming up for air. I will lick the inside of the bag when I’ve devoured one. And still want more. The junk is better than sex. And yes, it’s embarrassing, especially when you have that fake orange cheese smeared all over your mouth. And you’re in your late forties.

We come to the final and never ending addiction: women. Talk about never being sated. I love women more than chocolate ice cream. I need women more than nicotine. I desire them more than my morning coffee. (I cannot make a comparison to Frito Lay products because it’s truly a toss up.) I can’t find a way to stop loving women or thinking about them or wanting them and I can only hope, someday, if I’m very lucky, I will either find the woman of my dreams or someone will invent an electronic woman to help me get off the stuff.

I could be addicted to her, couldn’t you? Who’d want to get off that stuff?

Cindy Zelman

Step One: Coming Out...

I have to come out. It’s time, really. I mean it’s not like everyone can’t already tell by looking at my photo anyway, right? So I’ll just say it and rid myself of the burden that comes with holding a secret for so long…here goes:

I’m…I’m a smoker.

Yes, that’s right. I've been smoking since I was 17 years old. I guess back then it seemed like a brilliant idea – all the cool kids were doin’ it and all that. I started even though I knew nothing good comes of smoking. Ever. Seriously, when is the last time someone told you all the wonderful, positive ways that smoking has impacted their life? The countless dollars up in smoke, the wintery nights spend huddled outside a bar in the freezing cold just to get a fix, the destructive health implications. All bad stuff with no up side.

So recently I decided to quit. It would be easier said than done, I knew, so I didn’t attempt the dare-devil cold turkey method. Instead, I jumped on the electronic cigarette bandwagon about three weeks ago, and, hell, it’s been fantastic!

The great part about electronic cigarettes is that I can smoke WHEREVER I want to, still getting both my nicotine and physical addictions taken care of, while avoiding all the other nasty crap that traditional cigarette smokers like to pretend isn’t in their cigarettes.

You want to give me a hard time and tell me I’ve really not “quit”? I dare you to! You give me a hard time and I’ll give you a schoolin' on the benefits of electronic cigarettes.

That’s not to say there aren’t challenges with these ash-less gadgets. It’s definitely taking some time to get used to the heavier feel of the cigarette. And there’s also the super-human effort involved to get a decent fix. Sometimes I feel like I’m sucking on the thing so hard I might pass out with the next pull. I guess somehow I'm hoping that If I draw in deeply enough, the next drag will contain all of the junk in conventional smokes that serves to calm my nerves and keeps me from not losing it on every person who walks into the room.

To the average passerby, I probably look like a crazed lunatic sucking away on these butt-less technological wonders, but lemme tell ya, quttin' is a bitch, and anything that helps me be less of one is worth its weight in smokeless vapor!

J. Allison

Nike - Just (Don't) Do It...

While Accenture, Gillette, and Gatorade, among others, saw fit to sever ties with golf icon Tiger Woods after his numerous “transgressions” were revealed late last year, Nike laced up their athletic shoes and decided to stick with the club-wielding playboy. Yesterday, on the eve of the revered Masters golf tournament, Nike unveiled their latest Tiger-themed ad, which features a somber and puffy-faced Woods staring silently into the camera as a voice-over from his late father, Earl, speaks:

“Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was; I want to find out what your feelings are; and did you learn anything?”

Presumably, the elder Woods originally proffered those words in reaction to a poor tee shot or missed putt by the young Tiger, but Nike now applies them in the context of Tiger’s marital infidelity in this 30-second, black and white come-back commercial.

Now, I wasn’t one to get all stirred up about Tiger cheating on his wife. Is anyone REALLY surprised anymore when a sports star, actor, or major politician is revealed as a womanizer? Puhlease! These guys face temptation that most of us can only imagine (and fantasize about)! It stands to reason that they’ll take a tumble off the pedestal every now and again. The only thing that baffles me about these guys is why they decide to get married in the first place?! If the world is your oyster, you don’t settle down at Red Lobster for the rest of your life, even if you do really, really love the cheese biscuits.

That said, I find the Nike ad revolting. Tiger’s willingness to allow the voice of his beloved deceased father to be used for such a purpose is, to put it bluntly, disgusting to me. I find THIS to be an even greater indictment of his character than him having bedded dozens of women while married with children. Talk about the ultimate sell-out!

I suppose the one saving grace in the ad is that Nike had the good sense not to close with their tag line – Just Do It. I guess even they realize that Tiger’s already “Done It” enough.



Candy Parker

Dance as if EVERYONE is Watching...Please

Folks, let's talk about dancing for minute here. If you're out dancing at the club on a Saturday night, might I offer the following suggestions…

First, if your best dance move involves simply gyrating wildly with your hands clenched above your head, you should probably just sit down.

Second, if your idea of dancing is to maniacally hop up and down to Lady Gaga as if on some imaginary pogo stick, you might take your game up a notch or two by considering a visit to the bar. Seriously – shots are on me.

Finally, please try to avoid giving the appearance that you are channeling a Whirling Dervish. The tie-dyed sleeveless shirt with your flannel wrapped around your waist isn’t helping either. Please...just…just stop. Your dance-floor inspired tornado impersonation has the rest of us on the verge of becoming Hurling Dervishes.

Forget what they say about “Dance as if no one is watching.” I am and I’m taking notes.

Please consider this a public service announcement - I'm not trying to be rude; I’m just trying to improve our image. Seriously ladies, friends don't let friends dance horribly.

J. Allison

Erykah Exposed - More than Dallas Can Handle

In the news today: A serious crime was committed in Dallas, the worst criminal act since the shooting of JFK. The sexy, sultry, and soulful singer, Erykah Badu, was fined $500 for walking through the streets of Dallas and stripping nude for her new video “Window Seat.” Toward the end of the video and near the site of the JFK shooting, Erykah is “pretend” shot and falls to the ground. It’s apparent that the Dallas Police didn’t watch the video to understand her message about violence and victimizing those who are different. All they could “see” was her nudity as equivalent to a flasher looking to molest a child in a park. A quote from Sergeant Warren Mitchell states, “She disrobed in a public place without regard to individuals and small children who were close by."

Geez, what might happen if small children saw a beautiful woman naked for a few moments? Of course, they would be traumatized for life, in need of psychotherapy, Thorazine and electroshock treatment to get the heinous image out of their impressionable heads. And what about those adult “individuals” who were “exposed” to the beautiful art of this woman’s body? They will never be the same. Yes, it was obscene and disgusting and no doubt emotionally scarring that Badu FORCED their heads to turn and FORCED them to gaze at THAT level of sexiness walking the streets of Dallas. Dallas never gets that sexy; no wonder people were traumatized!

Badu was making a video and one with a message. She wasn’t flashing children in the park and she wasn’t mocking JFK. Watch the video until the VERY end and you shall see.

I think each person who saw her naked should pay HER $500 bucks for the privilege of seeing such beauty in the raw. I’ve got $500 bucks squirreled away for when Ms. Badu decides to shoot a naked video in Boston. Erykah, if you come to Boston, you can stay at my house, okay? You can walk up and down my street naked all day long as far as I’m concerned, and at night, no pajamas necessary.

To see read the full story and see Erykah’s video in which all the “good parts” of her body have been blurred out, (but still, it’s worth watching) click here.

Cindy Zelman

More GAY News

GAY was making the rounds this week on the lesbian internet radio/podcast circuit.  Just a couple of days after her appearance on TheDickVans.com, Editor-in-Chief Candy Parker was bantering with Denise & Donna, the dynamic duo who host The Lesbian Lounge show on MyLesbianRadio.com.

GAY appreciates the support received from these wonderful women and many more as we spread the word about our brand-spankin'-new humor/comedy e-magazine.  Wer're looking forward to featuring interviews with Denise & Donna and several other internet radio/podcast hosts in the June 1st issue of GAY e-magazine.

The Lesbian Lounge shows are available at iTunes - just search for MyLesbianRadio.com in the podcast library and subscribe today!