From Ice Cream to Aniston: My Addictions

Reading J. Allison’s blog entry yesterday about her attempt to quit smoking utilizing electronic cigarettes made me think of my own addictions. As a child I developed a chocolate ice cream addiction. I could eat buckets of the stuff. There was no electronic ice cream to help me overcome the grip it had over my soul. I ceased being a chocolate ice cream addict the night I binged like nobody’s business and later woke up, five years old, puking all over the lilac carpet in the hall. I didn’t give up chocolate ice cream forever or completely, but it was never, you know, quite the same, after I saw it laying there in piles at my feet. I know, yuck, TMI, move on, Cindy.

My next addiction was, like J.’s, cigarettes. I began smoking cigarettes in 1976 at age 14 and paid 45 cents a pack. I quit in 2002 at age 40 when cigarettes in Massachusetts were at $4.50 a pack. I hear now they are up to $6 or $7 and cost nearly what marijuana does, which I don’t smoke (long and traumatic story for another time.) I did the math a few years back, based on the average number of cigarettes I’d smoked over the course of my 26 year career as an addict. The results were startling. In my lifetime, I have smoked 287,450 cigarettes and spent between $50,000 and $60,000 to buy them. No shit. No lie. Truly, this is no exaggeration. I’ve done the math. I’m good at math.

I finally quit smoking using prescription drugs, a miracle beyond miracles and I hope all the smokers out there find their miracle.

I do currently have a coffee addiction but it pales in comparison to either chocolate ice cream or cigarettes or honestly, to Frito Lay products. I can eat Fritos Corn Chips or Cheetos without ever coming up for air. I will lick the inside of the bag when I’ve devoured one. And still want more. The junk is better than sex. And yes, it’s embarrassing, especially when you have that fake orange cheese smeared all over your mouth. And you’re in your late forties.

We come to the final and never ending addiction: women. Talk about never being sated. I love women more than chocolate ice cream. I need women more than nicotine. I desire them more than my morning coffee. (I cannot make a comparison to Frito Lay products because it’s truly a toss up.) I can’t find a way to stop loving women or thinking about them or wanting them and I can only hope, someday, if I’m very lucky, I will either find the woman of my dreams or someone will invent an electronic woman to help me get off the stuff.

I could be addicted to her, couldn’t you? Who’d want to get off that stuff?

Cindy Zelman

Step One: Coming Out...

I have to come out. It’s time, really. I mean it’s not like everyone can’t already tell by looking at my photo anyway, right? So I’ll just say it and rid myself of the burden that comes with holding a secret for so long…here goes:

I’m…I’m a smoker.

Yes, that’s right. I've been smoking since I was 17 years old. I guess back then it seemed like a brilliant idea – all the cool kids were doin’ it and all that. I started even though I knew nothing good comes of smoking. Ever. Seriously, when is the last time someone told you all the wonderful, positive ways that smoking has impacted their life? The countless dollars up in smoke, the wintery nights spend huddled outside a bar in the freezing cold just to get a fix, the destructive health implications. All bad stuff with no up side.

So recently I decided to quit. It would be easier said than done, I knew, so I didn’t attempt the dare-devil cold turkey method. Instead, I jumped on the electronic cigarette bandwagon about three weeks ago, and, hell, it’s been fantastic!

The great part about electronic cigarettes is that I can smoke WHEREVER I want to, still getting both my nicotine and physical addictions taken care of, while avoiding all the other nasty crap that traditional cigarette smokers like to pretend isn’t in their cigarettes.

You want to give me a hard time and tell me I’ve really not “quit”? I dare you to! You give me a hard time and I’ll give you a schoolin' on the benefits of electronic cigarettes.

That’s not to say there aren’t challenges with these ash-less gadgets. It’s definitely taking some time to get used to the heavier feel of the cigarette. And there’s also the super-human effort involved to get a decent fix. Sometimes I feel like I’m sucking on the thing so hard I might pass out with the next pull. I guess somehow I'm hoping that If I draw in deeply enough, the next drag will contain all of the junk in conventional smokes that serves to calm my nerves and keeps me from not losing it on every person who walks into the room.

To the average passerby, I probably look like a crazed lunatic sucking away on these butt-less technological wonders, but lemme tell ya, quttin' is a bitch, and anything that helps me be less of one is worth its weight in smokeless vapor!

J. Allison